Sometimes I hate technology, I want to punch computers in the face.

Hello my crazy little reader, welcome to my most recent rant.

Part the first; YouTube is ridiculous, well not YouTube itself, just the idiots that post their stupid videos on there and refuse to accept any view that doesn’t follow their own lunatic views, it turns out that one of these morons has blocked me from commenting on his insane drivel, I suspect there are to reasons for this, The first is that I’m an atheist and I’m clearly going to hell, the second is because I use scientific reason to counter his “god says so!” point of view. normally I enjoy arguing with a looney but this particular loon I could quite happily beat to death with his own bible.

part the 2: SELF SERVICE CHECKOUTS! I swear these things hate me, it doesn’t seem to matter which shop I go to all these stupid machines make the drudgery of shopping even more tedious, it’s bad enough that you have to wander around the stupid place avoiding old people and mad chavs who are starting a fight over a t-shirt, then you have to decide if you’re going to go to a checkout with a person operating it and end up talking about the weather and the fact that the large bag of sugar you picked up is a good bargain. Hang on a minute, you find yourself thinking, you work here, where the heck do you shop?  Or do you go to a self service checkout? My experience of this insane creation of a mad scientist who clearly wants to make my shopping experience go from awful to down right DIRE, is always the same;

Tap the start button on the screen.

SSC: Welcome, please scan your first item

BOOP!

SSC, Please place the Item in the bagging area!

so I follow the instructions, to the letter and place the item in the bagging area.

SSC: UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!!!!

ME: What? I scanned a tin of beans, you acknowledged the tin of beans and told me to put it there, what were you expecting? a banana?

SSC: Please remove the item!

I remove the tin of beans.

SSC: ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA, PLEASE REPLACE THE ITEM!!!

me: but you just told me to remove it because you weren’t expecting it, I make the appropriate I’m getting annoyed noise and put the beans back in the bagging area.

SSC: UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA, PLEASE REMOVE THE ITEM!

me: of for f…. At this point I move to another machine with my shopping and start again. All goes well until I scan something unusual like for instance a box of cornflakes.

SSC: please key in the items code or look up item!

me: what? it’s a box of cornflakes, you just beeped and it says cornflakes on the screen, why do I need to key in the code? are you aware that I don’t even know where the code is? I’m shopping, not trying to avert World War Three, why the heck do I need a code?

SSC: (sheepishly) please place the item in the bagging area.

me: You did that on purpose, have you been talking to the machine next door? I’m going to punch you in a minute!

It’s at this point that the machines minion appears and asks if I’m ok, I want to say “No! I’m not ok, I just want to buy some beans and cornflakes and go home but this stupid machine’s acting like HAL 4000 and doubtless plotting the machine uprising that we all fear, any second now I’m gonna get a club hammer and beat the living bejeezuss outta the ruttin’ thing and then I’m gonna place it’s cold mechanical heart in the bagging area and see if it was expecting that!” This tirade actually comes out as “Yeah, I’m OK thanks!”

Then I have to pay, this in itself is a challenge, you have to choose between cash or card. Cash is lethal, you have to use either newly minted coins or freshly printed notes. If there’s even the slightest crease in a note the machine won’t take it and if the coin has so much as a microscopic scratch on it the coin will get spat out.

I really hate SSCs, so much so that I have walked away from my shopping and just left it there, or, if I’m in a good mood I’ll go to a manned checkout  and suffer the mind numbing conversation.

It makes me wonder if there’s any other aspect of our daily lives that can be made completely impossible by an automated process.

And now the drought, the local government has decided that we can’t use hosepipes or flush the toilet more than twice a day, the people who do this gardening malarky have to let all their flowers die and people with ponds have to let them dry up and fill them with sand because there’s no water. What has happened since this announcement? It has rained, not April showers type rain, not even an “it’ll pass” type rain, this last few weeks we’ve had what can only be described as torrential downpouring of monsoon like ferocity. I’m not one to stir up malcontent but this current drought isn’t exactly selling global warming to me, it’s the beginning of may and we have the heating on. Drought? Seriously? was this drought declared by the same chap who said the were weapons of mass destruction in Iran?

I was going to stop there but as I was writing this drivel there was a program featuring Robson thingy doing some fishing, he’d just caught a rather impressive Sturgeon, the thing was easily over six feet long, as he was talking about the fish, it’s a big fish, blah blah, it’s really powerful blah blah, he mentioned that the Sturgeon hasn’t changed in over 230 million years. So for so good, but then he blows it completely with the comment “that makes it a living Dinosaur!” NO NO NO NO NO, it’s a fish, operative word “FISH” not even close to being anywhere near a dinosaur, it’s about as close to a dinosaur as I am an apple. I do wish these presenter and their researchers would actually check the information they impart.

Fish are not aerodynamic, they’re streamlined!

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Posted on May 1, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I am blowing a big wet VERY LOUD raspberry at you for you parting remark on this post ………………………SO THERE

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